TRANSPORT

Double-Decker Trains

Replace the existing trains with double decker trains into all the busiest destinations. The old trains will become housing for the homeless, providing much more space than they are currently able to find under the present Government.

 

Parking lines

We aim to save a huge amount of money by only painting lines on the road where you CAN park.

All the money saved will mean much cheaper parking for all.

 

ENVIRONMENT

Signs of Encouragement

We aim to replace at least 50% of all discouraging signs around the country with signs of encouragement. Why have ‘restricted zones’ when they could be unrestricted? Or say there’s only ‘one way’ when there’s always another?

 

Money Trees

Just in case Labour do get in we have started extensive research on developing a Money Tree.

We’re going to need them.

 

EDUCATION

Stand Up

First thing is to open up opportunities to all the class clowns in the country, of which there are many. To provide training for a career in comedy, which has been one of the fastest growing areas in the past twenty years.

Every school day starts with a Stand Up lesson for everyone. Forty five minutes of getting all your quips and tomfoolery out of your system. Everyone would take part, and the alleged disruption caused throughout the school day would be a thing of the past.

 

Martial Arts and Crafts

To deal with the issue of bullying we would combine martial arts with craft lessons for all schoolchildren three times a week. As the point of martial arts is to enable anyone of any size to defend themselves it would create an environment where no-one would pick on anyone, because everyone is effectively a mini Bruce Lee. At the end of each term you get to kick and chop a sculpture using a medium of your choice.

 

RENEWABLE ENERGY

Windbag Farm

A windbag farm will be constructed opposite the Houses of Parliament in the Thames. We have estimated that Boris Johnson alone would provide enough energy to power the entire city of London. The rest of the country could then use any saved power to help bring down energy costs for the rest of the country.

 

WORK AND PENSIONS

Four day Week

Where possible people will now work a four day week, with no loss of earnings. 

This has been successfully trialled around the world and has resulted in increased productivity and morale amongst staff. Everyone’s happy.

Monday will subsequently become Funday. Or Friday could become Freeday. Whatever floats your boat.

 

HEALTH

Twin Beds

All the priciest AirBnB beds will be twinned with a hospital bed on the NHS.

£10 from every bed, every night, will go towards funding a bed on the National Health.

 

VOTING REFORM

Lower the voting age

The official voting age will be reduced to 16. They didn’t get us into the sorry state of affairs we’re in, perhaps they can help get us out of it.

 

Votes for Pets

If they’ve got passports, then they should get the vote.

There’s plenty of room on the ballot papers for a paw print.

 

ECONOMY

Low Streets

To bolster the ailing retail trade, we will replace High Streets with Low Streets.

Instead of extortionately high rents, they will become low, so that we can see the reappearance of independent stores and lower prices.

 

Stock Exchange

Fitted with airbags just in case there’s another crash.

 

WELFARE AND WELLBEING

The Round Up

To help fund the end of austerity, we will take every item priced at 99p, £1.99, £9.99 etc and round up the price by a penny.

We know something that’s priced at £9.99 is effectively a tenner, we’re not daft. So every additional penny goes directly into welfare and benefits.

No one will begrudge it because it’s going to a good cause.

 

Naughty but Nice

Due to the new football laws being passed this year, we aim to take advantage of the increased number of yellow and red cards being displayed. And also of the ludicrous funds available to many of the teams in the Premier League.

All yellow cards and red cards will have a fine of one million and five million pounds placed on them respectively. The money will go directly towards funding the welfare system.

When players do bad, they’ll actually be doing good.

 

THE MONARCHY

We aim to update the monarchy by not only having a Queen, but simultaneously having a Jack, Queen, King and an Ace. This will mean quadrupling the tat available to buy at souvenir shops, and so bring in four times the revenue for the tourist trade. 

 

RECYCLING

We will recycle austerity as prosperity. You’ll have to trust us on this one.

 

NATIONAL ANTHEM

This will be changed to Eric and Ernie’s ‘Bring me Sunshine’.

We’ve got no quarrel with the Queen, bless her, but we need to send out a more positive message to the world as we navigate ourselves through choppy waters.