TRANSPORT - Invisible Bridge between Leave and Remain
Our first intention upon winning the election is to spend no money at all.
Inspired by Boris’ attempts to build a bridge in London which will never exist (but cost £53 million) we will construct an invisible bridge between Leavers and Remainers to bring the country together.
Then we can get on, collectively, with sorting out the mess we’re in.
LAW AND ORDER - Sleeping Policemen
At the last count there were over 40,000 sleeping policemen on our streets. We will wake them all up and double the police presence overnight.
VOTING REFORM - Votes out of 10 for Number 10
The door of Number 10 Downing Street will be replaced with an electronic version. Every voter will be able to download an app that is directly linked to the door so that they can give marks out of ten to the current Government. It might be 1/10 one day and 8/10 the next. We want to ensure that they never lose touch with the feelings of the people again. This will really hand back the Power to the People.
DEFENCE - Replace Trident with Trifle
All existing warheads would be deactivated and replaced with good old British trifle. We would then target any country that we would like to be friends with, and send it over as a gesture of goodwill.
We don’t want to blow the world up, we want to cheer it up.
EDUCATION - University to become Looniversity
We want to give everyone the opportunity to get a decent education, even the class clowns, who struggle under the present education system.
So student fees will be scrapped, and on graduation day the old mortar boards will be replaced with stylish top hats.
That way we’ll all look like we’ve been to Eton, so everyone gets special treatment when applying for jobs.
HEALTH - Harry Hill
Harry Hill (a qualified doctor) will be appointed as the new Senior Consultant at the NHS. After all, laughter is the best medicine.
Well it’s a good start anyway.
We haven’t asked him yet, but he should be alright about it.
RENEWABLE ENERGY - Hot Air Power
Unfortunately, the undemocratic First Past the Post voting system will probably mean that we’re stuck with a combination of the Labour Party and the Conservative Party as The Government and Opposition.
Let’s turn that to our advantage. All the hot air generated in the House of Commons debates will be stored and used to heat the homes of the elderly and reduce energy bills across the country.
THE ECONOMY - Money Bees
We will double the British bee population. One half will remain honey bees, while the other half will become money bees.
All the extra cash they make will give the economy a much needed boost.
It’s early days on this one, but we’re getting there.
WORK AND PENSIONS - Equal Opportunities
To allow everyone unlimited access to the top levels of their chosen careers we will be removing glass ceilings from the workplace.
They will then be used to construct a giant greenhouse to enable Britain to compete with the world with our own home grown bananas, mangoes, pineapples etc. All the profits from which will go into a huge pension fund.
THE ENVIRONMENT - Banning Mud
We will clean up the political landscape by imposing a mud ban.
Labour and The Conservatives have been slinging it all over the place for too long now.
The country’s a mess. It will have to stop.
HOUSING - Turn the Clocks Back
We won’t just turn the clocks back one hour.
We’ll turn them back 219,000 hours, or about 25 years, so that housing becomes affordable for all.